Sunday, May 10, 2009
♥ Mimi
Today... is a fucked up day...
and i was thinking that i wasn't to blame...
but i guess that now, i am.
Jealousy really is a stupid thing... making people do stupid stuff...
making people look stupid and feel stupid and think very stupidly too.
Well i, for the past 2-3 days, admit that i was jealous.
When was the last time i was jealous... hmmm... i dunno... when i saw the Cody+Naru siggy i guess...
I felt completely like shit.
Ya... so what made me jealous?
A person... quite innocent...
Why do i feel as if he's more welcomed than me?
As if... he's more cared about?
as if i am the bad person... maybe because i was... =/
It was all fine... i thought he was annoyed? by me? i guess?
I felt as if he was acting... cold...
but i got pissed. My sister repeatedly called his name and blah blah blah...
and repeatedly scolded me in public. and i felt as if... hmmm... he was AA by being upset...
me and my stupid assumptions.
I TRIED talking a tiny bit to him... hoping he'd give me a funny answer and we both start laughing...
don't think i was in the mood to laugh...
I sat there... opposite an empty chair for like 10 minutes... msging Kumi... feeling like shit and holding back tears.
Cuz i thought, if i cried my sister and her friends would think i'm attracting attention.
IF i cried i'd be the stupid person.
IF i cried people wouldn't care less about why the fuck i'm crying.
fuck.
So i followed them... Everyone had someone to walk with... except me...
i felt left out... got back to the chalet and what... fell asleep... they went out and didn't even bother waking me up. 5pm they got back and my sister shouted at me.
After a shower, i guess i felt better... too... confident?
i reached chinatown thinking 'he will never be able to replace me'
cuz he never intended to...
i told my big sis about how my sister was like
'can he sit in front of me?'
and
'i share a platter with him... you get a platter yourself'
and how she kept scolding me in public.
and
'i didn't steal your sister, i snatched her'
i was blaming her for my jealousy...
got home...
'do you still hate him?'
'yes i do'
'can you at least treat him as a friend?'
'how am i supposed to treat a person i hate as a friend?'
then she shouted...
i shouted at her telling her to shut up...
she got in the 'give me back my things' fit...
suggested he go home cuz he was tired and my sis would be pek chek if they played badminton...
'jie i go home first'
'why?'
'cuz i'm tired...'
'what did she say to you this time?'
that fucking hurt.
he go in... massage... blah...
i got pissed?
went into my big sis' room...
a person called Luke called her...
'can you go out? cuz i like want to talk on the phone' (she actually said it very very nicely...)
i got pissed again...
sat in the balcony...
threw my keys...
the key chain Lizzie gave me broke...
Felt more like shit than ever.
big sis came out to talk to me...
and i just... started crying...
then we talked...
blah...
sis came out...
talked...
then... big sis was saying how she treats us as equals but sis kept interrupting
big sis hardly spends time with us...
she's treated like a councillor...
only talked to when help is needed...
shit...
big sis told sis about what he said... 'i didn't steal your sis, i snatched her...'
i forgot the rest...
now... well... nothing's better...
things are still as bad...
i've really created real stinky shit this time...
i'm just too selfish...
i really need to start making those changes i said i'd make...
Labels: Dewi
8:42 PM
