Sunday, March 04, 2012
♥ URGH.
when guys like me, when I could possibly be the most important thing of somebody's life, I DON'T LIKE THEM. Then I just have to want to be the most important person of somebody who doesn't give crap and are definitely, without a doubt, happier without me. I'm being totally retarded. I just wanna push my heart somewhere and keep it there. Have it safe. Have it happy and not suffocated and not up in the air or floating around. I don't want it on the floor, trampled over, wheeled over, stepped on. I just want it in a safe so I can just leave it there and have it out of my attention. But now, whenever I'm alone (and that's very, very common) I just have nothing to do and I take my heart out and start debating with myself about all the stupid things I've done and trying to prove to myself that it's actually not that stupid or ridiculous and that I can't blame myself, when in fact I do. I blame myself for screwing every single one of my relationship up because I wasn't happy. But what I can't figure out was that was I really not happy? Or was I just not contented? Is it actually right for me to say that I deserve better, I deserve more? Or was I being conceited? I find everyday so ridiculous, trying to cheer myself up with how happy I am with studying (which I really am) when what I want is another romance because me, being the silly girl that I am, refuse to watch or read anything but romance, romance and more romance where there's always this guy protecting this girl. No matter what, the guy always takes the effort to make his girl feel loved because he feels that she deserves it. I DIDN'T FEEL LOVED. I felt like I was in this relationship so that this guy can have his share of 'loving'. IT'S LIKE CHILD'S PLAY. Was it the guys? Or does this happen with everyone? Everybody feels like they're in this child's playground where everyone goes 'oh, this is my boyfriend, i love him and he loves me' But when asked what is it you like about each other, the answer is I like everything about her/him because no, they actually don't? That's a total lie. Trust me, they seriously don't like everything about you.
But what is love anyway? I'm on the path to believing it's something sane people do. OH LOOK. WE'RE ON EARTH. Just kidding, I'm very sane.
I have absolutely no idea what on Eaarth I'm actually crapping here. Main point is, I want somebody SANE to come sweep me off my feet and not throw me down to the floor when he starts feeling that I'm too heavy. Because in my opinion, all this time I've been telling the person 'it's okay, let me down.' To save myself the disappointment and ruining this image of this guy I think would hold me up even when his arms are breaking. At the end of the day, I still refuse to rely on anybody because I don't think it's a very good idea and I've too much to lose. I'm sick of taking care of people and their mental needs whilst suffering and sacrificing my sanity for people who are much happier without me.
Yes, I blogged. Hurrah. I will go shower now and stop my procrastination on chemistry, math and literature.
But what is love anyway? I'm on the path to believing it's something sane people do. OH LOOK. WE'RE ON EARTH. Just kidding, I'm very sane.
I have absolutely no idea what on Eaarth I'm actually crapping here. Main point is, I want somebody SANE to come sweep me off my feet and not throw me down to the floor when he starts feeling that I'm too heavy. Because in my opinion, all this time I've been telling the person 'it's okay, let me down.' To save myself the disappointment and ruining this image of this guy I think would hold me up even when his arms are breaking. At the end of the day, I still refuse to rely on anybody because I don't think it's a very good idea and I've too much to lose. I'm sick of taking care of people and their mental needs whilst suffering and sacrificing my sanity for people who are much happier without me.
Yes, I blogged. Hurrah. I will go shower now and stop my procrastination on chemistry, math and literature.
6:43 PM
